Assertiveness for Kids (Worksheets): 10 Practical Tips to Teach Kids How to Be Assertive

Communication Styles: Assertive vs. Passive vs. Aggressive

There are three basic communication styles: aggressive, passive and assertive (well, there are a few more, but since we are going to deal with kids’ communication styles, I have just kept it simple and listed the most basic ones).

• Aggressive communicators try to dominate and control others, failing to listen to them.
• Passive communicators fail to express their feelings and needs and tend to avoid conflict.
• Assertive communicators behave confidently and express what they want or believe while respecting other peoples’ views.

What is assertiveness?

“Assertiveness involves personal rights and expressing thoughts, feelings and beliefs directly, honestly and appropriately, without violating the rights of others”. Lange and Jacubowski (1976)

“Assertive behavior is an interpersonal behavior involving relatively honest and direct expression of thoughts and feelings that are socially appropriate and take into account the feelings and welfare of other people” Rimm and Masters (1979)

If we try to dissect those definitions a bit, we’ll see that assertiveness is about:

• being confident about expressing our views, feelings, and needs
• standing up for ourselves
• showing respect for other people’s views and feelings

Benefits of Assertive Communication

• We are able to express how we really feel.
• We are not afraid of defending our opinions.
• It is empowering.
• It boosts our self-esteem and confidence.
• It is likely to gain the respect of people around us because they see that we defend our rights but we respect others.
• It balances both our needs and desires with other people’s needs. In case of conflict, that will make it easier to find a win-win solution when we are facing conflict.
• It removes guilt when saying no to people’s requests.
• Bullying protection.

Assertiveness for Kids: 10 Practical Tips to Teach to Be Assertive

Assertiveness is the healthiest communication style.

Children who lack assertiveness may:

• fail to communicate their needs
• not stand up for themselves
• feel ignored
• feel obliged to do things they don’t feel like doing
• use aggressiveness or bullying tactics to get what they need
• be bullied themselves

Assertive communication is not just about what we say. Non-verbal communication is just as important as the overt message we deliver.

These are some tips that will help your child communicate assertively.

Body Language

1. Make eye contact
   When you talk to somebody, look at people´s eyes. Lack of eye contact conveys insecurity or fear.
2. Speak with a confident voice tone
   Voice tone should not be so low that nobody can hear you. And it shouldn’t be so loud that it feels like you are shouting or being aggressive.
3. Stand right but not too stiff.
   Body posture is also conveying a message about yourself. If you look stiff, it conveys tension. But if you stoop over, you will look insecure.
4. Neutral facial expressions.
   The facial expression should be neutral or positive but also consistent with the content of the message you are delivering.
   Telling somebody that you don’t like something while you are smiling could send a very confusing message.

Communication /Interaction

5. Keep calm while you speak
6. Be polite but firm
7. Listen to the other person so that you also understand their views.
8. Use “I” statements to express yourself
   I feel…
   I need…
   I want…
   I dislike…In order to express our feelings and inform others about our needs, we can follow this simple four-step formula:
   I feel …. when …. because  ….(my needs are) …..
   “I” ⇒ you are taking responsibility for your feelings or thoughts.
   “When” ⇒ you state the other person’s specific action that has triggered your emotions.
   “Because” ⇒ you explain how it affects you
   “Your needs” ⇒  you let them know what you need them to do instead.
   I statement example:
   I feel annoyed when you keep on checking if I’ve done my homework because it tells me you don’t trust me. I need to be able to prove to you that I can do it on my own.
   You can practice this tip with our I-statements worksheets.
   More on I statements here.
9. Describe the other person’s behavior with facts, not negative labels (when there is a behavior you don’t like)
10. Remember you have the right to say no, and you don´t have to feel guilty about it.Just an example to share with your child (to make it clear that I’m not talking about saying no to bedtime, house chores or any other duty that our child is responsible for)
    You have just opened your LOL Surprise and you have one of the dolls you are missing in your collection. Your best friend gets really excited because it’s one of her favorites. She asks you to exchange it for another one, but you also really like it.
    Well, you don’t need to give it away. You have the right to keep it, and you can gift it to her if you happen to come across the same one in the future.

Practical Tip

11. Help your child role-play social situations that may be difficult

We explore ALL these assertive communication practical tips in the Assertive Communication Workbook for Kids. Make sure you check it out!

Assertiveness Examples for Children

Let’s explore assertive sentence examples and compare them with aggressive and passive communication in a social situation like sharing:

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Aggressive:

• Give me that book (while taking it from somebody’s hands)

Passive:

• I wish I could read that interesting book

Assertive:

• Could I borrow that book when you finish reading it?

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Aggressive:

• Give me that ball!

Passive:

• I wish I could play with those kids

Assertive:

• That game looks fun. May I join you?

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