How to Support Special Needs Siblings
Being the sibling of a child with special needs is not easy. Caring for a child with special needs often involves large doses of individualized attention. And the siblings may feel they are not getting the attention they crave.
In our case, our son needs continuous supervision. There is no way I can take a shower while he watches television. By the time I finish, he could have left the house or our living room could have been transformed into a war zone. This intense supervision and the need to deal with “crisis” management may end up translating into less attention to our daughter.
A few months ago, I was consulting with a psychologist about something completely unrelated. During the first minutes of the interview, she asked me:
“Do you have a special time that you devote to your daughter? Remember that she also needs you”
The psychologist had really touched on a very sensitive spot. I had been chewing over the thought that something had to change in the way I do things with my daughter. So this comment really resonated with me.
(Disclosure: We are a participant in the Amazon Services LLC Associates Program, an affiliate advertising program designed to provide a means for us to earn fees by linking to Amazon.com and affiliated sites. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases. You can also read our Disclosure & Disclaimer policy here)
Last year has been very difficult for our eldest son. We knew we were carrying a time bomb in our hands. A child with special needs thrives in a structured life full of fixed routines. And there we go, we move to a new country and EVERYTHING changes overnight (language, home, school, friends, routines). The “crisis mode” came soon after we settled in our new country and the “collateral damage” has been that our daughter has been deprived of even more attention.
On many occasions, friends and family have pointed out to me that “she will understand”. My answer is “yes, but no”. She understands and accepts the situation. But it does not mean that she doesn´t suffer from this reduced attention. It is important to put in place the necessary mechanisms so that special needs siblings have their special space.
In recent months we have tried to make changes to improve the way we take care of our daughter. I will share some ideas we had that we are currently implementing. I’m looking forward to hearing your ideas too. And if wonder how your kids are feeling, but they are too young to verbalize complex emotions and feelings, these books may be really interesting readings:
This book addresses how to support a child whose sibling has special needs. It provides practical advice to deals with siblings’ issues and worries.
A book where 45 siblings share their experiences as the brother or sister of someone with a disability. The children whose essays are featured here range from four to eighteen and are the siblings of youngsters with a variety of special needs.
5 Ideas to support siblings of children with special needs
Find family support/caregivers/babysitters that assist you so that you can create “special sibling moments
Find family support/caregivers/babysitters that assist you so that you can create “special sibling moments” during the daily routine. Our families have always been an incredible support, and we have also managed to find a great caregiver.
Include “special time with Mummy” in a visual schedule / visual agenda
When you have a child with autism or a child with another type of communication problem, visual schedules or agendas are one of the basic supports.
Our son has never needed a visual agenda in order to understand day-to-day routines. However, we have used them at certain times when we were starting new routines or to help us structure the after-school time. It is a nice way to avoid renegotiating every little task and it works wonders with neurotypical kids too.
Since it had worked really well in the past, I decided to use it again. I have included “Mummy time” as an activity that each of them enjoys separately.
It has been a pleasant surprise to see how easily we have been able to establish this new routine. Now both my kids know when their special time with me happens. Surprisingly they do not try to butt into each other´s Mummy time. Possibly because I have tried as far as possible to schedule our daughter´s time while hubby or another caregiver is at home.
Create special moments different from the activities you do with the brother/sister who has special needs
My daughter and I have a secret that her brother is unaware of. He goes to bed earlier than her. Once he is in bed, our daughter and I hop into my bed carrying each a book that we like and read in bed shoulder to shoulder.
There are many reasons that make this moment very special. It happens in Mummy´s bedroom, a special territory. It is different to her brother´s activities (she is a big girl and reads on her own). And it connects us doing an activity that we both very much enjoy.
I actually think her newly found love for reading started as she realized it was a way to spend these pleasant special moments with me.
Connect with other special needs siblings
We have relocated to a new country and sometimes it is not easy to make friends overnight. Our caregiver, who only works with families that have children with autism, came up with the idea of introducing our daughter to another girl she cares for. This girl also has brothers with autism. She understands our family dynamics and will not be surprised (or scared!) if our son is having a bad day. So now, our daughter has a new friend who also has a very similar family situation.
Talk about what it means for him/her to have a sibling with special needs
Sometimes it can be a great help to use children´s books that reflect similar stories. These are some beautiful books for your consideration:
- Little Big Sister, the story of Katie, a nine-year-old girl with an older brother with autism (this book was the winner of the 2017 Next Generation Indie Book Awards for Children’s Fiction)
- My Brother Is Special: A Cerebral Palsy Story. Another great book, a take of one little boy’s thoughts of his big brother Ethan, who was born with Cerebral Palsy.
- My Brother Charlie. A story narrated by Callie, Charlie´s twin sister. She talks about autism and describes the good things about her brother but also the challenges of being his sister.
These are the ideas that we came up with. I would love to hear about your own experiences, and add them to my repertoire if feasible!
If you found these ideas helpful, please share this post with other families with kids with special needs. Pin us on Pinterest ♥⇓:
Thank you so much for creating this website and giving these book suggestions. It was needed. Sometimes I feel like I am failing my older daughter because my baby girl needs me more.
Thank you for the books. These are all very helpful.